I’ve been “in recovery” for close to 5 years now. So far I’ve had a setback every time I’ve gotten close to moving off of disability. This frequently has plagued me with the thought of, “What on earth am I supposed to do with my life?” After surviving a life-threatening illness I have this burning desire to not be happy with just anything. I want to do something I enjoy and that fulfills me with a sense of purpose, something bigger and higher than myself. It could be anything from the seemingly mundane to the seemingly glorious, but it must be something I know has been designed for me at this particular stage of my life. I’ve been re-reading and re-working through a book I’ve found extremely helpful called, Coming Up For Air: Simple Acts to Redefine Your Life, by Margaret Becker. I might mention this book several times in the future since I’m going through it again now. It’s been great in getting me to think about the things that really matter to me. In the last couple of weeks I’ve been asking myself a couple of questions that have sprung from this book: What gives me meaning? What would I do if I could do anything I wanted and for as long as I wanted?
I think it’s beneficial to ask ourselves these questions. I think they can help us determine the things God has placed in our hearts. However, our spiritual equilibrium can become upturned if we become too self-focused. A friend and sister I’ve never met recently sent me the following quote from Joseph Stowell’s Strength for the Journey; “If you are in the process of becoming a follower of Christ, life is not about a journey to get to know yourself but an adventure in getting to know Jesus…Your life will either be about self-absorption or about a Savior who is adored.” I feel the pull of wanting to search out who I am in this new life post transplant. That draw can entice my focus and take it away from Christ and onto an egocentric toll road of self-discovery where I’m left to pay the toll of my indulgence. I’ve been trying to salvage my life, as if I could or should be attempting to do so, and in the process I’ve often felt like I’ve been falling apart. “Do we not lose our very lives by trying so hard to save them?” (Elisabeth Elliot) Yes, ask ourselves questions that clarify who we are to be for Him, but let us not do so at the expense of moving our eyes off the precious mark of Christ. “For whoever wants to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for me [Jesus] and for the gospel will save it.” Mark 8:35
Thursday, March 12, 2009
Wednesday, March 4, 2009
Aplastic Anemia
My intention is not to bore anyway with medical details, but a couple of people have asked me to describe my illnesses/health issues.
When I was 33 I became pregnant with our first child. In my 6th month I began bruising and I figured this was related to pregnant clumsiness. A blood test at the beginning of my 7th month proved this wasn’t the case and landed me in the hospital for further tests. Two days later our son got into distress for unknown reasons and ended up dying. To make a long story short, a few weeks later I was diagnosed with severe Aplastic Anemia, a bone marrow disease where the marrow ceases to produce red, white, and platelet cells. If left untreated I was expected to die within 6 months. I started a drug treatment therapy called ATGAM that ultimately failed and the search began for a bone marrow donor. An unrelated donor was found and in May of 2004 I received a bone marrow transplant. I was given a 60% chance of surviving two years post transplant. In May of 2009 I’ll have reached the five year mark, thanks to the mercy of God and a very kind young man who donated his bone marrow.
To date I struggle with a few health issues that are side effects from my treatment, namely chronic fatigue, avascular necrosis, and infertility. The chronic fatigue is simply the result of all the trauma my body has gone through. Daily I wrestle with my energy levels and some days are better than others. The avascular necrosis is a bone disease that is a side effect from the high dose steroids I was on as part of my treatment. It has caused pockets of bones to die in my hips and knee. I went through a bone graft surgery a few years ago to try and correct the problem in one hip, but that didn’t accomplish one of the goals of alleviating pain so last year I went ahead with getting a hip replacement. In non-boring fashion, I managed to pick up a couple of staph infections during surgery and also had a nerve complication which has resulted in my left foot being (theoretically) temporarily paralyzed for roughly two years. The infertility is a result of the chemotherapy and full body radiation I received to kill my bone marrow in order to receive the new donor marrow.
The other “issue” I battle is depression, which I’ve had for years. A variety of things related to my health issues can intensify this battle from the chronic fatigue to dealing with physical pain to emotional issues surrounding infertility or grief related to the loss of our son to not being able to do the things I used to be able to do.
So, there’s the nutshell version of all things related to my health. If anyone has questions, please feel free to ask. I may get weary of the battle at times, but I do have a great hope in a Great God whose love for His children endures forever. If it weren’t for Him, I would have given up long ago.
When I was 33 I became pregnant with our first child. In my 6th month I began bruising and I figured this was related to pregnant clumsiness. A blood test at the beginning of my 7th month proved this wasn’t the case and landed me in the hospital for further tests. Two days later our son got into distress for unknown reasons and ended up dying. To make a long story short, a few weeks later I was diagnosed with severe Aplastic Anemia, a bone marrow disease where the marrow ceases to produce red, white, and platelet cells. If left untreated I was expected to die within 6 months. I started a drug treatment therapy called ATGAM that ultimately failed and the search began for a bone marrow donor. An unrelated donor was found and in May of 2004 I received a bone marrow transplant. I was given a 60% chance of surviving two years post transplant. In May of 2009 I’ll have reached the five year mark, thanks to the mercy of God and a very kind young man who donated his bone marrow.
To date I struggle with a few health issues that are side effects from my treatment, namely chronic fatigue, avascular necrosis, and infertility. The chronic fatigue is simply the result of all the trauma my body has gone through. Daily I wrestle with my energy levels and some days are better than others. The avascular necrosis is a bone disease that is a side effect from the high dose steroids I was on as part of my treatment. It has caused pockets of bones to die in my hips and knee. I went through a bone graft surgery a few years ago to try and correct the problem in one hip, but that didn’t accomplish one of the goals of alleviating pain so last year I went ahead with getting a hip replacement. In non-boring fashion, I managed to pick up a couple of staph infections during surgery and also had a nerve complication which has resulted in my left foot being (theoretically) temporarily paralyzed for roughly two years. The infertility is a result of the chemotherapy and full body radiation I received to kill my bone marrow in order to receive the new donor marrow.
The other “issue” I battle is depression, which I’ve had for years. A variety of things related to my health issues can intensify this battle from the chronic fatigue to dealing with physical pain to emotional issues surrounding infertility or grief related to the loss of our son to not being able to do the things I used to be able to do.
So, there’s the nutshell version of all things related to my health. If anyone has questions, please feel free to ask. I may get weary of the battle at times, but I do have a great hope in a Great God whose love for His children endures forever. If it weren’t for Him, I would have given up long ago.
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