Freedom of Spirit

For unclear reasons I’ve been battling fatigue issues more intensely and for a longer duration of days than I’m accustomed. This chronic fatigue slams a hammer on my depression buttons and I feel bits and pieces of myself break apart. It requires great effort to cling to the truth that I still have value and worth when I find myself struggling to do even the mundane daily tasks of life like unloading the dishwasher. The last few days I’ve been praying and meditating a little on the Lord’s Prayer. I found myself praying over and over for His will to be done on earth as it is in Heaven. I was thinking how in Heaven there are no battles with fatigue, depression, etc. and somehow I superimposed that into a hope for eventually none of these health struggles on earth. I realized how much I wanted to feel normal and healthy and how I had given almost no thought to whether or not God’s perfect will was for me to live right in the midst of the struggle. Then I read a Thomas a Kempis quote that spoke of “a pure and whole forsaking of ourselves and of our own will, that we might get freedom of spirit.” Light flooded into my soul and suddenly I understood that I was meant to submit my will of being desirous of good days and normalcy to the Lord of the universe who has perfect control over my body. He could, after all, heal whatever has been making me so fatigued and even though I knew somewhere inside that He has good reasons for allowing health issues, I’ve been fighting whatever those unknown reasons are. Freedom of spirit has come because of the death of the seed of my will and as Lilias Trotter wrote, now I wait “for it to heave its tombstone and come out into the light.” (From A Path Through Suffering, by Elisabeth Elliot, p.174, 1990)

BLOG Carnival

Chronic Illness and Pain Support is a BLOG by the founder of Rest Ministries, Lisa Copen. I've been honored by having one of my postings featured on the website as part of her BLOG Carnival. I've been so encouraged by the resources and connections I've made through these sites. If you or a friend struggles with any form of mental and/or physical chronic illness, I'd encourage you to check out the resources on these sites.

Little Troubles

My last few weeks have been marked by an increase in fatigue. I’m not really sure why, but it has discouraged me somewhat. Spring has sprung in my corner of the world and yet my body feels like hibernating. Yesterday I was longing for a hammock or some sort of outdoor reclining chair in which I could nap and still somehow enjoy the glory of a spring afternoon. It saddened me to “waste” the afternoon sleeping in my bed, but fatigue held mastery over my body and I had to relent. My husband even offered a Sunday afternoon trip out to a beautiful spot by a lake in a nearby town, but my body wouldn’t have it.

“These little troubles (which are really so transitory) are winning for us a permanent, glorious, and solid reward out of all proportion to our pain. For we are looking all the time not at the visible things but at the invisible. The visible are transitory: it is the invisible things that are really permanent” (II Corinthians 4:17-18 JBP).

It’s not always wanting to enjoy a spring day that feels hampered by my fatigue; there are countless things I want to do or feel I need to do that often stare me in the face. Once again I’m reminded that these things are “little troubles”. Some days I’m thoroughly discouraged by this transitory fatigue, but even if it lasts a lifetime, it’s still transitory and today I get to choose to “not lose heart” (II Cor. 4:16). I possess the very Spirit of God as an invisible thing, “a deposit, guaranteeing what is to come” (II Cor. 5:5). I long for those days on days like today, when I’m absent from the body, but present with the Lord (II Cor. 5:7). How thankful I am that in the meantime God is inwardly renewing me day by day with the invisible things (II Cor. 4:16).