Indulgence

I’ve been “in recovery” for close to 5 years now. So far I’ve had a setback every time I’ve gotten close to moving off of disability. This frequently has plagued me with the thought of, “What on earth am I supposed to do with my life?” After surviving a life-threatening illness I have this burning desire to not be happy with just anything. I want to do something I enjoy and that fulfills me with a sense of purpose, something bigger and higher than myself. It could be anything from the seemingly mundane to the seemingly glorious, but it must be something I know has been designed for me at this particular stage of my life. I’ve been re-reading and re-working through a book I’ve found extremely helpful called, Coming Up For Air: Simple Acts to Redefine Your Life, by Margaret Becker. I might mention this book several times in the future since I’m going through it again now. It’s been great in getting me to think about the things that really matter to me. In the last couple of weeks I’ve been asking myself a couple of questions that have sprung from this book: What gives me meaning? What would I do if I could do anything I wanted and for as long as I wanted?

I think it’s beneficial to ask ourselves these questions. I think they can help us determine the things God has placed in our hearts. However, our spiritual equilibrium can become upturned if we become too self-focused. A friend and sister I’ve never met recently sent me the following quote from Joseph Stowell’s Strength for the Journey; “If you are in the process of becoming a follower of Christ, life is not about a journey to get to know yourself but an adventure in getting to know Jesus…Your life will either be about self-absorption or about a Savior who is adored.” I feel the pull of wanting to search out who I am in this new life post transplant. That draw can entice my focus and take it away from Christ and onto an egocentric toll road of self-discovery where I’m left to pay the toll of my indulgence. I’ve been trying to salvage my life, as if I could or should be attempting to do so, and in the process I’ve often felt like I’ve been falling apart. “Do we not lose our very lives by trying so hard to save them?” (Elisabeth Elliot) Yes, ask ourselves questions that clarify who we are to be for Him, but let us not do so at the expense of moving our eyes off the precious mark of Christ. “For whoever wants to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for me [Jesus] and for the gospel will save it.” Mark 8:35